“I'm interested in love, not ritual. I want people to know me, not just go through the motions.” — Hosea 6:6, The Message
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” — Rumi, 13th century poet
I grew up in a solid Christian home in what’s known as the Bible Belt of America.
In the early to mid 1990’s, it felt like the buckle of the belt, the epicenter of Southern Christendom.
I was in church so much that there was a short season where my mom didn’t know what to do with me so she put me in the handbells group with about 16 old women!
I just wanted to shoot hoops in the gym while mom did choir or her meetings at the church.
But instead, I was trapped in a small room week after week with dorky white gloves on my hands standing next to women with puffy white hair on their heads.
(Hi Mom! I’m grateful you had us in good things consistently! Love you!)
Being around church stuff so much, you hear the same words and phrases over and over.
One of my least favorites for a long time was the phrase “Quiet Time.”
Since ‘88, I’ve been an energetic, self-starting, pretty arrogant, curious, active kid. I want to stir it up. I have a hard time sitting still. I can’t stand long meetings — unless I’m the one upfront and in control. (Hi coworkers! I’m growing in this area!)
So, “Quiet Times” have always been difficult for me to “do”. And I have often felt guilty when I don’t do them.
It’s taken me decades of walking with God to believe and understand that He wants my heart, not my discipline.
Discipline & Self-Control Issues
When it comes to discipline, I’m talking about the constant forcing of an activity that I don’t want to do for an outcome that I think I need.
I’m not talking about the consistency of self-control that leads to good fruit.
Being around so many young people in my career, I hear so often how they want to be more disciplined — and I really do understand.
“I just can’t seem to do what I know I should do. I feel like God is disappointed with me because of my lack of discipline.”
We’re trying to control our relationship with God. We have control issues.
We love discipline because it’s something we can manage.
We can schedule it. Measure it. Track it.
(I’ve completed 75Hard three times now. So, I’m Exhibit A here.)
When it comes to what we think of as the daily “Quiet Time”, God just wants to be with us.
Relationship cannot be measured. Delight cannot be forced. Presence cannot be tracked.
He wants your heart.
“…I want people to know me, not just go through the motions.” - Hosea 6:6
Softer is The Way
Why are we so obsessed with discipline?
I think it’s because discipline is something we can control.
And therefore, we think we can control the outcome of discipline — a result we think we need to become more than we already are.
Now here’s the dichotomy: He wants my heart first and foremost — not my consistency. But consistently showing up is what softens our hearts.
So, what if instead of striving for consistent “Quiet Times” as we know them,
we just started to consistently ask him to soften our heart and to teach us to delight in Him?
Could this be the true beginning of what discipline really is?
Doing something you don’t want to do over and over is drudgery.
Doing something you love to do over and over is delightful.
Relax into Him for your “Quiet Time”
Don’t get it twisted — we must go through pain to grow. But this conversation isn’t about growth the way we think it is.
With all the Quiet Times and other disciplines you’re feeling guilty for not doing, and thinking you’re not growing —
Are you trying to feel impressive? Get some semblance of organization in your life? Grasping for control?
What if, instead of gripping tighter, you released the tension in your heart and mind — and softened?
What could He do with that?
So often, I force discipline so that I can grow into a better person on earth. You too?
What if, to grow, we actually relaxed into Him, softened our heart, and let his delight grow you into a person whose true citizenship is not on earth? (Philippians 3:20)
I believe it’s possible that you would eventually be more consistent, more disciplined, be able to go through the pain of that daily work — and have a lot of fun doing it along the way.
I believe it because I’ve lived it.
He wants your heart.
A Quiet Time of Presence
Today or tomorrow morning, in your next purposeful moment to get away and be alone:
Sit comfortably or lay down.
Release the tension in your jaw — and then your hands.
Take a few deep breaths.
And just repeat this prayer: “Father, soften me.”
Repeat as many times as needed / desired.
No checklist. Just connection. Quiet Time “accomplished.” 😉
Have you joined The 7-Day Family Reset?!
I’d bet 100% of you who’ve read this far have also seen my latest creation: "The 7-Day Family Reset.”
But I’m also seeing a couple hundred people on this newsletter list that haven’t signed up for it. If you haven’t and want to see what it’s all about it — click this link or the one below!
Over the course of 1 week, I help guide you through organizing and simplifying key areas of your family life — the calendar, relationships, finances, values and vision, etc.
(Even though you’re subscribed here already, you’ll still need to put your email in, so the system can send you through the 7 days.)
By the way…
I’m testing a midweek newsletter here called “4 for the Family: quick insights & ideas to empower your family leadership during the week”.
If you got it this past Wednesday and anything was helpful, let me know! I don’t want to add anything to your inbox that’s fluff.
I’ve had so much fun this week getting texts, DM’s, emails about this slight pivot in my writing to “family leadership & present parenting”. Thank you all so much for the encouragement.
I’ll keep going until I’m told not to. 👊🏻
Love to you all.
Tyler, Texas | November 8, 2025
PS - if this was in any way valuable to you, will you:
1) reply and let me know?
2) forward it to a friend who would be encouraged?